Relationships can be a source of immense joy and satisfaction. Finding someone to share our lives, dreams, and challenges with can be a transformative experience.

Love, that powerful force that unites us with another soul but at the same time can also lead us to a dead end: losing our identity.

Have you ever felt like you've become someone different in your relationship? Why do we stop being ourselves when we are in a relationship? We will explore the causes behind this transformation and offer strategies to keep our identity intact while enjoying a loving relationship.

The reasons we stop being ourselves in a relationship are complex and multifaceted. Below, we present some of the most common factors that contribute to this phenomenon:

Fear of Rejection

Fear of rejection is one of the main reasons why people change their behavior in a relationship. This fear can be so deep that it leads us to modify our personality and actions to ensure that our partner accepts and loves us. This need for acceptance can cause us to suppress our true opinions, desires, and behaviors, all in an effort to avoid rejection.

The fear of rejection is often rooted in past experiences. Perhaps in a previous relationship we were rejected for being authentic, or perhaps our life experiences have taught us that we must conform to be loved. This fear can lead us to be overly complacent, avoid conflict at all costs, and constantly adapt to our partner's expectations, sacrificing our authenticity in the process.

Some examples include:

• Hide our true feelings or interests: For fear of being judged or rejected, we can choose to hide aspects of our personality that we believe would not be accepted by our partner.
• Change our appearance or behavior: To adapt to what we think our partner wants, we can modify the way we dress, speak or behave in general.
• Avoid conflict: For fear of hurting our partner's feelings or damaging the relationship, we can avoid expressing our opinions or real needs, repressing emotions and desires.

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem is another fundamental reason why we can lose our identity in a relationship. If we don't value ourselves, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking we need to change to be loved. This lack of self-acceptance can lead us to become overly dependent on our partner for validation and to adapt our behavior to earn their approval.

In a relationship, this can lead us to:

• Relying excessively on our partner's validation: We base our self-esteem on our partner's opinion and affection, losing sight of our own intrinsic value.
• Accept disrespectful or hurtful behavior: For fear of losing our partner, we tolerate attitudes or actions that do not agree with our values or that make us feel bad.
• Giving up our dreams or personal goals: To please our partner or avoid conflicts, we sacrifice our own aspirations and desires.

Need for Approval

From a young age, many of us seek approval from the people around us. In a relationship, this need can lead us to behave in ways that are not authentic. We want to be validated, accepted, and loved, and we often believe that the only way to achieve this is by adapting to our partner's expectations.

This constant search for approval can be exhausting and, over time, can lead to a disconnection from our true needs and desires. This need can manifest itself in various ways:

• Constantly adapt to our partner's expectations: We modify our behavior, tastes or even opinions to adjust to what we believe our partner expects of us.
• Seek acceptance from common friends or family: We prioritize the approval of the shared social circle over our own authenticity.

Lack of communication

Lack of effective communication in a relationship can be a crucial factor contributing to the loss of identity. Without open and honest communication, it is easy to fall into the trap of hiding parts of ourselves to avoid conflict or misunderstanding. Communication is essential to expressing our needs, desires, and boundaries, and without it, it is easy to feel disconnected and not understood.

Lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings and built-up resentments. If we don't feel comfortable expressing our true opinions and feelings, we can begin to hold back, adapting to what we think our partner wants to hear. Over time, this lack of authenticity can create an emotional distance between us and our partner, and also between us and our true identity.

The lack of effective communication can contribute to the loss of our identity:

• Difficulty expressing our true feelings: We repress ourselves for fear of hurting our partner or starting a conflict.
• Misinterpretations and misunderstandings: Lack of clarity in communication can lead to confusion and our partner not understanding our needs or desires.
• Avoid difficult or conflictive topics: We postpone important conversations for fear of negative reactions or consequences.

The Myth of "We"

The “we” myth suggests that we must merge completely with our partner, losing our individuality in the process. Although closeness and togetherness are important aspects of a relationship, it is crucial to maintain a sense of "I" separate from the "we." Complete fusion with our partner can lead to a loss of identity and a feeling of being trapped.

It is natural to want to share experiences and create a life together with our partner, but this should not mean sacrificing our individuality. Maintaining personal interests and activities is essential to preserving our identity. In doing so, we not only maintain a sense of self, but also enrich the relationship by bringing unique experiences and perspectives.

The reality is very different:

• A healthy relationship is based on the union of two unique beings, not on the cancellation of one by the other.
• It is important to maintain a sense of “I” separate from “we” to preserve our autonomy and authenticity.
• Total fusion can lead to emotional dependency, resentment, and loss of identity.

The Search for Acceptance and Love

The search for acceptance and love drives us to make personal sacrifices. We want our partner to love and accept us, and sometimes we believe that the only way to achieve this is by changing aspects of ourselves that we don't really want to change. This desire to be accepted can be so strong that it leads us to compromise our authenticity.

In our search for acceptance and love, it is easy to lose sight of who we really are. We can begin to make concessions that, although initially seem small, can accumulate over time and lead us to feel that we have lost our essence. It is essential to remember that a healthy relationship does not require us to sacrifice our identity, but rather allows us to be authentic while sharing our lives with another person.

We forget that true love does not ask for sacrifices, but rather embraces us as we are:

• We give up our passions and interests: To dedicate more time to the relationship or please our partner, we put aside activities that fulfill us and define us as people.
• We adopt opinions or beliefs that are not ours: To avoid conflicts or gain the approval of our partner, we modify our ideas and convictions.
• We become emotional chameleons: We adapt our emotions and reactions to adjust to what we believe our partner expects of us.

The Influence of Social Expectations

Social and cultural expectations can put significant pressure on how we behave in a relationship. Traditional norms about how couples should behave can lead us to assume roles or behaviors that do not reflect our true nature. These expectations can contribute to the loss of our identity.

Social expectations can dictate how we should act, what roles we should take, and what behaviors are acceptable in a relationship. Meeting these expectations can make us feel like we have to fit a specific mold, sacrificing our true passions and interests in the process. It is important to question these norms and create a relationship that reflects our authentic personalities and values.

In the context of relationships, this can lead us to:

• Follow traditional gender roles: We adopt behaviors and expectations that are associated with our gender, even if they do not fit our personality or desires.
• Comparing ourselves to other couples: We idealize other people's relationships and feel pressured to achieve a level of success or happiness that does not necessarily fit our own reality.
• Ignoring our own needs and values: To fit into social expectations, we sacrifice important aspects of our identity and well-being.

Complacency and Lack of Limits

Complacency and a lack of clear boundaries lead us to say “yes” when we want to say “no.” By not setting healthy boundaries, we find ourselves adopting behaviors and habits that are not authentic to us, diluting our true identity. Complacency may be a way to avoid conflict, but in the long term, it can result in resentment and loss of identity.

Setting boundaries is essential to maintaining our individuality in a relationship. Clear boundaries allow us to communicate our needs and wants effectively, and help us maintain a sense of control over our lives. Learning to set clear boundaries is crucial to protecting our individuality and cultivating a healthy relationship:

• We become complacent: To avoid conflicts or hurting our partner, we accept plans, activities or decisions that we don't like or that go against our principles.
• We lose the ability to say "no": We feel guilty or selfish when expressing our needs or desires, allowing our partner to make decisions for us.
• Resentment and frustration: Lack of boundaries can generate long-term resentment and frustration, damaging the relationship and our own self-esteem.

How to Recover and Maintain Our Identity

1. Self-exploration and Self-awareness

   Spending time on self-exploration is crucial to maintaining our identity in a relationship. Reflecting on our passions, values and desires helps us reaffirm who we are and what we want. Practicing self-awareness allows us to identify when we are acting authentically and when we are over-accommodating to our partner.

   Self-exploration may include activities such as journaling, meditating, or participating in therapy. These practices help us connect with our inner feelings and thoughts, and better understand our needs and desires. By doing so, we can make more informed and authentic decisions about how we want to behave in our relationship.

2. Open Communication

   Maintaining open and honest communication with our partner about our needs and limits is essential. Sharing our authentic thoughts and feelings strengthens the relationship and allows us to maintain our individuality. Effective communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship and allows us to express who we really are.

   The open communication involves actively listening to our partner and being honest about our own needs. This may require bravery and vulnerability, but it is essential to building a relationship based on authenticity and mutual respect. By expressing our true opinions and feelings, we foster an environment of trust and understanding in the relationship.

3. Personal Space

   Making time for individual activities and friends outside of the relationship fosters a sense of independence and reinforces our identity. Maintaining hobbies and personal interests helps us preserve our essence and avoid the feeling of being trapped in the relationship.

   Personal space does not mean emotional distancing, but rather a recognition that both partners need time and space to grow as individuals. By cultivating our personal interests, we not only enrich our own lives, but we also bring new experiences and perspectives to the relationship, thereby strengthening the bond with our partner.

4. Mutual Acceptance

   It is important to be in a relationship where both parties accept and celebrate each other as they are. This creates an environment where we don't feel the need to change to be loved. Mutual acceptance allows us to be authentic and maintain our identity while sharing our life with our partner.

   Mutual acceptance involves recognizing and respecting the differences between us and our partner. Instead of trying to change each other, we celebrate their unique qualities and value what each person brings to the relationship. This attitude of acceptance and mutual respect is essential for a healthy and long-lasting relationship.

5. Establishment of Limits

   Learn to say "no" and set clear boundaries. Defining what is acceptable and what is not in the relationship will help you maintain your sense of self. Healthy boundaries allow us to protect our individuality and ensure that our needs and desires are respected.

   Setting boundaries can be difficult at first, especially if we are used to pleasing others. However, it is an essential skill to maintain our authenticity in a relationship. Clear boundaries allow us to communicate our expectations and needs effectively, and help us maintain a healthy balance between our individual identity and our life as a couple.

Stopping being ourselves in a relationship is a common phenomenon, but not inevitable. By understanding the reasons behind this trend and taking proactive steps to maintain our authenticity, we can enjoy healthier, more satisfying relationships. At the end of the day, a true, lasting relationship does not require us to sacrifice our identity, but rather allows us to flourish together as unique and complete individuals. Staying true to ourselves while connecting deeply with another person is the ideal balance for a happy and meaningful relationship.

Disrespect in a relationship can be very damaging and can undermine the trust, love and intimacy we build with our partner.

Often these disrespectful acts can occur unconsciously and unintentionally, but it is still important to recognize them and work to correct them. And we must never forget that respect is one of the fundamental pillars of any healthy relationship.

Next we are going to talk about the different types of disrespect in a relationship, how they affect the relationship and what we can do to handle them.

Types of disrespect in a relationship

Insults and disqualifications

Insults and put-downs are a form of disrespect that can have a particularly negative impact on a relationship. This can include verbal insults, teasing, constant criticism, and other behaviors that seek to belittle or humiliate the other person.

When one partner insults or puts the other down, it can create a toxic environment in the relationship. The affected person may feel hurt, frustrated and angry, which can lead to greater conflict and mistrust in the couple. Disrespect such as insults and put-downs can also damage the affected person's self-esteem, which can have a negative impact on their emotional and mental well-being.

Interruptions and inattention

Interruptions and inattention are another common form of disrespect in a relationship. This can include frequent interruptions while you're talking, not paying attention to what you're saying, or even completely ignoring you when you're trying to communicate.

This behavior can make the affected person feel ignored, misunderstood, and worthless in the relationship. Disrespect can cause resentment and can create communication problems between the couple, which can make it difficult to establish a deeper emotional connection.

Mistrust and control

Distrust and control are disrespect in a relationship that can be very damaging. Mistrust can manifest itself in different ways, such as constantly questioning your partner, checking their messages and emails, following them, or even harassing them. The need to control your partner, on the other hand, can lead to manipulation, coercion, and intimidation, which can leave your partner feeling trapped and without freedom.

These disrespectful acts can have a significant impact on the emotional health of the couple. The person who is controlled or mistrustful may feel uncomfortable, repressed, and unable to make independent decisions. The person acting in a controlling or distrustful way, for their part, may experience a temporary sense of safety or power, but in the long term this can have serious consequences for the relationship.

Lack of support and understanding

A lack of support and understanding is another lack of respect that can seriously damage a relationship. It refers to when a partner does not feel supported or understood by their partner in times of need. For example, if a person is going through a difficult time at work or in their personal life and their partner does not show empathy or support, this can lead to feelings of abandonment, isolation and despair.

When a partner does not feel supported or understood, there can be an increase in tension and stress in the relationship. The person who does not feel supported may begin to feel that her partner does not care about her, and may begin to withdraw emotionally. The person who is not providing support or understanding may feel frustrated or powerless at not being able to help their partner, and this can lead to arguments and conflicts in the relationship.

Lack of empathy and respect for the partner's feelings

Empathy and respect are fundamental to a healthy relationship. In this case, we refer to when a couple does not show interest in the feelings and emotions of their partner, or when they do not respect their emotional needs.

This lack of empathy and respect can manifest itself in various ways. For example, it may be that a person always talks about himself and his problems without showing interest in his partner's problems or feelings. Or, it may be that a person minimizes or ridicules her partner's feelings, or criticizes or judges her for feeling a certain way.

When a partner does not show empathy and respect for their partner's feelings, this can lead to feelings of loneliness, isolation, and despair. The person who does not receive the attention and respect they need may begin to feel that their partner does not care about them, and may begin to withdraw emotionally. This can lead to a decrease in intimacy and emotional connection in the relationship.

Maintain a passive-aggressive attitude

The passive-aggressive attitude is another of the disrespectful forms most common in relationships. This is a behavior in which the person does not openly express their discomfort or anger, but does so indirectly, through gestures, attitudes or words that, although they do not seem offensive at first glance, have a negative background and can hurt. At the couple.

For example, your partner may promise to accompany you to an important dinner for you, but when the day comes, find excuses not to go. Or he may tell you that it's okay for you to go out with your friends, but then make you feel guilty for leaving him home alone. In these cases, the person shows a passive-aggressive attitude by not expressing their discontent clearly and directly, which can generate resentment in the couple.

This lack of respect generates mistrust and a constant feeling of insecurity. In addition, the person who suffers from their partner's passive-aggressive attitude may feel confused and frustrated, not knowing exactly what is going on.

Ignore limits

Another of the most serious disrespect in a relationship is to ignore the limits of the couple. This can manifest in various ways, such as pressuring the partner to do something they do not want to do, forcing them to have intimate relationships, controlling their activities and friendships, among many other examples.

When a person ignores the limits of his partner , he is showing a clear lack of respect towards his autonomy and her personal decisions. In addition, this can generate great emotional discomfort in the couple, coming to feel invaded or even violated.

It is important to bear in mind that each person has the right to decide about their body and their lives, and that it is essential to respect the limits and the decisions of the couple at all times. The lack of respect in this area can lead to the generation of insecurities, distrust and the creation of a toxic environment in the relationship.

How does disrespect affect the relationship?

The lack of respect in a relationship can have serious consequences, since they directly affect the quality of it. Here are some of the most common effects of these disrespect:

• Resentment: When a person is subjected to disrespect by her partner, it is common for him to feel a deep resentment towards her. This can generate a climate of tension and hostility that negatively affects the relationship as a whole.
• Insecurities: Lack of respect can also generate insecurities in the couple. For example, if a person is subjected to insults or belittling, it is likely that they begin to question their worth as an individual and as a couple. This can lead to low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence.
• Emotional discomfort: Disrespect can also cause emotional discomfort in the couple. For example, if a person is controlled or manipulated, it is likely that they feel invaded or violated. This can lead to the generation of feelings of sadness, anger or frustration.
• Distancing: Disrespect can also lead to emotional distancing in the couple. For example, if a person feels ignored or unappreciated, they may start to withdraw from their partner to avoid emotional pain.
• Toxic environment: In extreme cases, disrespect can create a toxic environment in the relationship. This can lead to a spiral of emotional violence in which the couple hurts each other and loses the ability to communicate effectively.

How to handle disrespect

Acknowledge and communicate your feelings

It is important to acknowledge and communicate your feelings to your partner. Once you have calmed down and assessed the situation, you may feel sadness, anger, frustration, disappointment, or any other negative emotion when you are disrespected.

It is essential that you talk about these feelings with your partner in a respectful way and without blaming the other person. Explain how his behavior made you feel and why. It is important that you make sure that your partner understands the seriousness of the situation and knows that you are not willing to tolerate more disrespect.

Set clear boundaries

If disrespect persists after you've reported it, it's important to set clear boundaries and let your partner know what behaviors are unacceptable to you. For example, if your partner insults or puts you down, you should make it clear that this is not acceptable to you and that you will not tolerate such behavior.

It's important that your boundaries are clear and specific, and that you communicate them respectfully but firmly. This means that there can be no room for doubt about what you are not willing to tolerate in your relationship, but you must do so without attacking your partner. For example, you could say something like, "When you call me names, it makes me feel really bad, and it's not something I'm willing to put up with in our relationship. I want you to know that I'm not going to let you talk to me like that."

It is also important that you are consistent in applying your limits. If you tell your partner that something is not acceptable but then allow it, you are sending a mixed signal and weakening your position. Therefore, it is important that you are firm in your limits and that you do not change them easily.

Seek professional help

In some cases, it may be necessary to seek professional help to resolve disrespectful issues in the relationship. 

Couples therapy can help you explore your underlying issues and find effective ways to communicate and problem-solve. Often, they will focus on teaching healthy communication skills, such as active listening, engagement, and limit setting.

In some cases, they may also recommend individual therapy to address self-esteem issues or behavior patterns that may be contributing to the disrespect in the relationship. Through therapy, each partner can work on themselves and their own communication and respect skills, which can improve the overall relationship dynamic.

Practice empathy and respect

To build a healthy and respectful relationship, it is important to practice empathy and respect. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person's shoes and understand their feelings, thoughts, and perspectives. Respect, for its part, refers to recognizing and valuing the rights, needs and limits of the couple.

To practice empathy and respect, it is necessary to communicate clearly and effectively. This means speaking candidly and actively listening to the needs and concerns of the partner. It also involves treating your partner with kindness and compassion, rather than criticizing or blaming.

Also, it is important to keep in mind that people have different points of view and ways of doing things. Instead of trying to control or change your partner, you need to accept them as they are and value their differences. This not only fosters empathy and respect, but also helps build a stronger and more lasting relationship.

End the relationship on time

Ending the relationship is an extreme measure and should not be taken lightly. However, on some occasions, it is necessary to recognize when a relationship has become toxic and there is no way to correct disrespect. If the disrespect continues, even after you have tried all of the solutions listed above, it may be necessary to end the relationship.

The decision to end a relationship is not an easy one, especially if you have invested time and energy in it. However, in a relationship where there is no mutual respect, neither of you can be happy and the relationship will not be healthy.

It's important to remember that you deserve a relationship where you are treated with respect and dignity, and you don't have to settle for anything less. If you're in a relationship where you're disrespected, it's important to realize that you're not the only one responsible for making things right. Your partner also has a responsibility in the relationship and must do their part to maintain a healthy relationship.